My Kind Of Love
by musicandme37
Summary: Brendan makes a deal, leaves a necklace and shows how much he cares. It changes everything.
1. Chapter 1

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Doug had almost become used to it now.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Tubes and machines and oxygen masks.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

His face pressed up against the glass.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

The fear for his husband was always there.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

And Brendan Brady. He was always there too.

"You look shattered. You should go home."

Brendan appeared beside him. Brendan had only been gone for ten minutes but it felt like much less time. Brendan was always there. Lingering at Doug's shoulder like a shadow, and if he wasn't, he was never more than a corridor away. And even when Doug couldn't see him, the Irishman was a constant presence at the back of Doug's mind. Taunting him.

Because it wasn't Doug Brendan was there for. Doug wasn't the reason Brendan stayed, and Doug was never going to be the reason Brendan left. The sole reason Brendan was there was for Ste. The only reason he hung around Doug so much was because Doug wouldn't leave Ste either. They couldn't reach a compromise, so there they stood and watched and waited, together. And although they both waited for the same thing, there were never two men so distant from each other.

Brendan stood beside him and barely said anything. He just watched Ste. The older man's breathing normally matched the pace of the hiss of Ste's machinery, so that they were breathing in unison, but Doug sometimes caught the shudder in that otherwise steady breathing that suggested that Brendan was nowhere near as composed as he seemed. There was no denying that they were both in love with Ste. But Ste wasn't Brendan's anymore. He was Doug's. And Doug couldn't stand that Brendan was always there; not just at the hospital, but in most other aspects of Doug and Ste's relationship as well.

And for that reason, and for so many others as well, Doug was going to be damned if Ste woke up with Brendan at his bedside, rather than him. Doug knew why Brendan wanted him to leave, but he wasn't going to back down this time. He wasn't going to leave the hospital, leave Brendan and Ste alone together. Not even if he collapsed with exhaustion.

"No, I want to be here when he wakes up." He replied.

"What if he doesn't?" It was a horrible thing to hear spoken out loud. And although Brendan's voice cracked when he said it, it ignited Doug's anger anyway. Doug's gaze dropped to the necklace he'd never seen Brendan without – a chain with a crucifix on the end, with a ring encircling it – and it gave him the ammunition for yet another cruel remark at Brendan's expense.

"Why do you wear that? Do you actually believe there's a God that would let this happen to someone good like Ste?"

He felt bad for saying it and for questioning someone's faith. He felt bad for most of the things he'd said to Brendan during their time in the hospital, particularly because the Irishman made no effort at all to form a similarly cutting response. But he couldn't help but feel slightly satisfied when that comment, of all of the things he'd said, was the one to finally make Brendan go away.

He should have known better to think that it would last though, as five hours later, when he had finally looked away from Ste's face to Ste's left hand, he found that same damn necklace entwined in Ste's fingers.

It didn't anger him that Brendan stuck to his faith despite what Doug had said. What angered him was that Brendan had managed to spend time with Ste alone when Doug hadn't been there. Doug could only recall a handful of times he had left Ste's bedside since that morning, and Brendan had still managed to come and go again and Doug hadn't even known. The presence of Brendan hung heavy in the room even when he'd gone. And it was all because of that cross.

Overcome with contempt, Doug snatched the necklace from Ste's fingers and shoved it into his wallet.

And for the rest of the time Ste was in the hospital – when he began to respond, when he finally woke up, when he began to recover - neither Brendan Brady nor his necklace came back to the hospital.

x-H.O-x

It was a week after Ste had been discharged from the hospital that Brendan next saw him. The last time he had seen Ste, he had still been in a coma. Even when Brendan had made his deal with God and left his cross with Ste as protection, he still rang the hospital twice a day for updates.

The moment Brendan heard the news that Ste had woken up, he stopped. He'd made his deal: God had let Ste live and so Brendan kept to his word and left Ste alone.

Seeing Ste walking down the street made Brendan's breath catch in his throat. It was so, so good to see him. To see him walking, talking, _smiling_. Brendan wanted to run to him and gather the beautiful man up in his arms, but this was Brendan's sacrifice. If he was going to keep his loved one safe, he was going to have to love at a distance.

The smile dropped from Ste's face when he spotted Brendan. It turned to a frown when Brendan pretended not to have seen him.

"Brendan?"

God. Brendan closed his eyes. A week ago he'd thought that he may never be able to hear Ste say his name again. He managed to take a breath and compose himself before he turned around, sending Ste a quick smile when he did.

"Steven. How are you doing?"

Ste's frown deepened. "Oh you know, as well as you can be from waking up from a coma."

"Well I'm glad to see you back on your feet." Brendan dismissed him, bending down to pick up a crate of alcohol.

"Cheryl says you're busy." Ste continued, following Brendan up the stairs to the club. Brendan wished Ste would just leave him alone. He was making this so much harder. "Busy with work. That's why you haven't been to see me yet."

Brendan bit back the _"I did,"_ and the _"I wanted to,"_ and said, "She's right."

Truth was Cheryl had been furious when he had first refused to visit the hospital and then to see Ste when he had been discharged.

"Doug says you didn't come to the hospital at all."

Oh, of course that was what Doug had said.

"I'm sure Douglas has been taking care of you just fine."

"That's not the point Brendan." Ste was becoming more and more upset. "I thought you would have come to see me at least once."

"I had other responsibilities."

"What? The club?" Ste looked around in exasperation. "It's empty!"

"Not just the club." Brendan said. He could see the hurt in Ste's eyes and it was killing him. He just wanted him to leave so that he didn't have feel the pain of seeing Ste's saddened face as Brendan outright lied to him. "I've been very busy."

"Well," Ste said, masking his disappointment with that defensive fire he did so well, "I won't keep you if you have more important things to do."

"Thanks. I hope you and your new husband are very happy together."

Ste's lip wobbled momentarily, "Right. I'll go then shall I?"

"Ok. Show yourself out will you?"

Ste turned on his heel and rushed out so quickly that Brendan was tempted to run after him, apologise and tell him to take it easy and that he shouldn't be rushing about so much so soon after his accident. But he didn't. He collapsed on the sofa instead, head buried in his hands, repeating under his agonised breath _'If you let Steven live then you have my word that I'll leave him alone.' _This was his deal. His reward. His punishment. His sacrifice.

All he had to remember was that this was for Ste's own good. Even if it was going to be painful for the both of them.

He was doing this for Steven.

No matter how much it hurt.

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**I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. ****Thank you for reading!**  
**Any reviews will be greatly loved and appreciated!**  
**mnm37 x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Thanks to everyone who read, followed, faved or reviewed the last chapter! It means a lot :) **

**Just a quick note about this fic that I forgot to mention in the last chapter: several chapters in this fic will be loosely based on some future spoilers. So be warned if you don't want to be spoilered!**

* * *

Ste couldn't remember his own wedding.

"What was the last thing you remember?" Doug had asked him not long after he had woken up, almost anxiously, though Ste hadn't been sure why.

"Erm…" Ste had wracked all the memories in his battered head, but only came up with, "Talking to Brendan, and Tony, the morning of the wedding."

Doug hadn't been pleased with Ste's answer. So Ste kept the fact that he could also remember hearing Brendan's voice whilst he had been unconscious, to himself, and after Doug informed him that Brendan hadn't been at the hospital at all, Ste had passed it off as a dream.

Ste could remember the morning of the wedding, when he had told Doug the wedding was off, but not when he had changed his mind, or the wedding itself. And then all he had when he woke up was the terrifying and heart-breaking aftermath.

Four people had died because of his wedding. He hadn't really known the teenagers in the bus other than as customers in the deli. But Rhys, he had worked with Rhys and gotten on pretty well with him for the most part. Four people had died. The venue had been utterly destroyed. The bus that had hit him had exploded.

He was half glad he couldn't remember.

He was overjoyed when he was reunited with his kids, thanking Jack and Frankie for all they had done for him. But that happiness was short lived. Since then, things at home had been more than a little tense.

Doug was frustrated and had found it hard to keep up with Leah and Lucas whilst Ste was supposed to be resting, and when Ste tried to help he found himself scolded and sent away again. Doug was agitated and nervous when Ste asked him about details from the wedding, and Ste was suspicious that it was about more than bad memories. Things were awkward between them and Ste kept getting the same feeling he did whenever he suspected Doug of keeping secrets from him.

Whenever Ste mentioned Brendan it made things ten times worse, so Ste had finally learnt not to bring him up at all.

Ste had only spoken to Brendan the one time since the wedding and Brendan had been as flippant as he had been at the very beginning, when they had been keeping their relationship secret from the world. It had really beaten him whilst he was down. Since then Ste had seen Brendan several times, and had either not been noticed or ignored, and he didn't know which one hurt the most. He had gone so long being pursued by Brendan that when it had stopped Ste had been at a complete loss.

When Brendan had been in hospital Ste had been to visit him, got him an early discharge, cared for him at both Brendan's flat and his own, and even went as far as to get a gun for him. When Ste had been in hospital, Brendan hadn't visited once. It made no sense. And Ste had been sure he had heard Brendan through the fog of darkness whilst he was unconscious. He was sure he had heard whispered words and promises. Or maybe that was what he had wanted to hear. Ste knew how many bullets Brendan had taken for him in the past year, but when Ste had finally been hit, Brendan had upped and abandoned him. And he didn't know why.

He was a married man now, so he felt bad for letting Brendan's dismissal of him hurt him as much as it did. He felt bad that he cared about Brendan and that there would always be a part of Ste that loved the Irishman no matter what. He just couldn't help it. Not even getting married to someone else had quenched those feelings, and although Ste did love Doug, he could never completely be his. He had known that before the wedding. He reckoned both of them had known it.

Ste's confusion was leaving him at odds with his husband, isolated from those who gave him or required sympathy and pity after the wedding disaster, and further from Brendan. And it only kept getting worse. He was a married man, and yet he couldn't remember his own wedding. He tried so hard to remember the memories he'd lost, and lose some of the ones he'd kept.

And mostly he tried to forget everything he felt for Brendan Brady. But that was the hardest thing of all.

x-H.O-x

It was a couple of weeks after his last conversation with Brendan that Ste next plucked up the bravery of approaching the club.

He had Leah and Lucas with him, giving Doug some space, because things were tenser than ever. He was quite grateful for some time away from the stifling flat, where, from both sides, every comment was taken the wrong way and every other conversation the bitter and snapped start to an argument.

In the club, he found Joel behind the bar and Cheryl at the other side, leaning on the counter.

"Leah, Lucas, hello guys!" Cheryl cooed at them, before looking up at Ste, "Ste! How are you?"

Ste made a disgruntled sound in reply and shrugged.

Cheryl frowned. "Joel, you wouldn't mind getting the kids some orange juice would you?"

Joel nodded and turned to the fridges behind the bar, whilst Ste lifted first Lucas, then Leah, onto a barstool each.

"Come on Ste, love." Cheryl led Ste to the sofa and Ste slumped down on it tiredly. "It's not your injuries, is it?"

"No, nothing like that. Fit and healthy, me." Ste sent her a reassuring smile. He hated people fussing over him like he was some kind of brittle ornament. "It's just tough at home, that's all."

"You mean with Doug?"

"Yeah."

"Why what's wrong?"

"That's the problem Cheryl! I don't know a time when there hasn't been something wrong. There's always something we find to shout about, or not talk to each other about. We didn't even have a honeymoon period – well, there wasn't a honeymoon at all was there? – and we've…" Ste lowered his voice, "We haven't even slept together since I came out of hospital. And before you say, it's not just Doug being careful because of the accident, it's because we're arguing so much that there isn't any real time to 'make up' and the passion is just...gone. It's like we've just skipped any kind of happy honeymoon period and fallen straight into not trusting each other and keeping secrets and fighting."

"It'll pass, love. It's been a hard time for the pair of you."

"But it might not pass! Because there has never been a time where there weren't arguments and secrets! That's the problem!" Ste threw up his hands, before running them through his hair. "And all the time I feel like there's something I've forgotten that I shouldn't have and the more and more I try to remember the more it irritates me and Doug won't tell me anything about what happened at the wedding."

"Look," Cheryl moved his hands from where they were clutching strands of his hair. "This stress can't be good for you. Ste, you were in a coma this time last month! Just, relax, ok?"

"It's hard! It's been so hard! And sometimes I wonder if I should have married…" He stopped suddenly, knowing he looked guilty, hell, he felt guilty. "Never mind."

Cheryl looked at him sadly. "Ste, it'll get better. Ok?"

"I don't know if it will." Ste sniffed.

"Well, I'm not a marriage counsellor, but we can start with something smaller, if that helps. What about this thing you've forgotten? Do you have any idea what it could be about?"

"I think it was about Brendan." Ste said.

"Isn't it always?" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"No I mean it." It was the reason he'd called the wedding off, after he'd followed Doug to his meeting with the policewoman that morning. Doug had been trying to get Brendan arrested. But Doug said Ste had forgiven him and changed his mind and turned up at the ceremony. But there was something Doug wasn't telling him. There had to be more. Ste knew there had to be more. Speaking of which… "That's why I came up here, actually," Ste looked around, as though Brendan would have just been waiting in the wings in order to make a showy appearance. He was disappointed when he didn't. "To see Brendan."

"He's not here." Cheryl said. She sounded confused.

"Well I'll stop by yours then."

"No, Ste…Brendan's not here. He's not in Hollyoaks."

Ste's stomach dropped. "Well where is he?"

"Didn't he tell you? He's gone to Dublin."

"Dublin." Ste repeated, dumbstruck. "For how long?"

"I never know with Brendan. It could be weeks…months…"

"Years?" Ste finished, heartbeat quickening. "He's not gone for good?"

"He said he needed some time away. So however long it takes him I suppose. He's already been gone five days."

"But why?! Why did he leave?"

"Why do you think?" Cheryl said, before softening her statement. "It's no secret you and Doug's marriage was hard on him, Ste."

"But he doesn't care about me anymore." Ste whispered.  
Brendan hadn't been to see him at the hospital, and now he had left Hollyoaks. He didn't care about Ste anymore. Oh god, Brendan had gone. And this, the feeling of his whole world shifting out of focus around him, was only yet another reminder that Ste still had feelings for Brendan. "He doesn't care about me anymore." He repeated, trying to bury those feelings again and failing miserably. Probably even Joel had heard the sadness in Ste's tone from all the way over at the bar.

Cheryl stared at him in surprise. "What makes you think that?"

"Doesn't matter." Ste gulped and knew that if he stayed any longer he was going to give himself – his feelings – away. He was already trying to keep the tears from filling his eyes and his throat was aching with the want to cry. He stood abruptly and fixed a grin on his face for his kids. "You guys finished your juice?"

"Yes Daddy." Leah smiled at him whilst Lucas nodded enthusiastically.

"Ok then, let's go home, yeah?" He helped them both down, thanked Joel and Cheryl and made a hasty exit.

When he got into the fresh air he swallowed down the sob that was building deep inside him. Brendan didn't care about him anymore. Brendan had gone. Potentially forever.

So when he got home and Doug apologised for their latest argument and then asked Ste if he would consider going to America with him, Ste's answer was already made for him.

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**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I will try and update soon!  
I also promise much more Stendany feels in the next chapter!**  
**Thank you for reading! Any reviews would be greatly loved and appreciated as always! They are fic fuel :P  
mnm37 x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who has read, faved and followed this so far. And a special thank you to those who have left such lovely reviews!**

* * *

"Do you have the passports?" Ste asked Doug, whilst struggling to keep hold of both Leah and Lucas.

"I'll check." Doug smiled and checked his bag for the passports for the tenth time.

He couldn't believe they were doing this. Going to America. It was a shame they couldn't stay forever, what with Ste's criminal record, but this trip was going to be the game-changer. Things had been more than tough between him and Ste since the wedding – well, since before the wedding, really – and it had only been getting worse. Ste seemed more distant every day and Doug was becoming more and more paranoid that Ste had figured out or remembered what Doug had done on the morning of the wedding. But this, the trip to America: away from Hollyoaks, away from any trace of the wedding aftermath and memories of Brendan, would get him and Ste back on track. It would ignite the passion they had lost and give them a fresh start over, he knew it.

"And the tickets?" Ste asked.

Doug grinned at Texas and Leanne who both laughed as Doug reached into his pocket once again. Who would have known Ste was a nervous traveller? He opened the wallet, and showed Ste the tickets inside. "There you go."

Unsatisfied, Ste took the wallet and checked each ticket in turn. And then he stopped. "What's this?" He asked, unzipping a compartment and pulling out the contents.

Doug saw something he'd not seen for a month. He'd completely forgotten it had been in his wallet.

He hoped Ste wouldn't realise what it was, or rather _whose_ it was, but it was a pointless wish, as he saw the recognition flood Ste's features before his very eyes. Ste gasped and dropped it in surprise.

The moment the cross necklace hit the floor, it was like ice breaking. The moment it hit the floor, Doug's dreams of America shattered. Because he knew there was no coming back from this.

"Why do you have that?" Ste asked, his voice deadly quiet and accusing as he bent down to pick the necklace up, cradling it in his palm like it was the most delicate thing in the world. "Doug. Why do you have this?"

"What is it?" Texas asked in confusion. "Doug?"

"It's Brendan's." Ste replied, his eyes fixed coldly on Doug. "Texas, Leanne, take the kids over there for a minute. Please."

Texas and Leanne looked to Doug. Doug could only nod at them to tell them to do as Ste wanted. Ste would have it out with him anyway, regardless of who was with them, and Doug didn't want his friends or Ste's kids to hear.

The moment Texas, Leanne, Leah and Lucas were out of earshot, Ste asked again; sounding betrayed. "Where did you get this?"

Doug swallowed. He was well and truly cornered. He had hoped he would never be found out, but even when Brendan was in another country, the Irishman could still drive a wedge between him and Ste.

"I got it when you were in a coma."

Ste's forehead crinkled in confusion. Doug used to find that endearing. "Why would Brendan give it to you?"

"He didn't." Doug whispered, the guilt and the dismay of being discovered roiling his stomach. "He gave it to you."

Ste stopped, mouth open with a retort that never came. His mouth shut and he blinked. And then he got it. "He gave this to me? When I was in a coma?"

Doug nodded, tight lipped.

"He gave it to me when I was in the hospital?" Ste spelled out, the accusation and anger rising all the more.

Doug nodded again. God, how the hell would Ste forgive him after this?

"But you told me that he didn't come to see me." Ste said. "You lied to me."

"Ste, I'm so sorry…I…I was only trying to help…" Doug faltered, reaching out to Ste.

"Help who Doug?! Me? Brendan? No! You were trying to help yourself!" Ste moved out of Doug's grasp, clutching the necklace in his fist.

"I can make it up to you Ste. I promise. Look, when we get to America we can send the necklace back to Brendan or Cheryl and we can…"

"What?!" Ste cut him off. "What? When we get to America?! Doug! How can you expect me to come with you after this?"

"You can't be serious!" Doug pleaded, blinking as his eyes filled with tears. Ste surely didn't mean it. "Ste!"

"I can't believe you've kept things from me again! You keep secrets from me and you plan and plot against Brendan when he hasn't even done anything!"

"How can you say that Ste! Brendan is a bad man!"

"He's a good man!" Ste said; his voice loud enough now to attract the attention of passers-by.

"No!" Doug cried angrily. How could Ste say that? "Brendan isn't a good guy! He's a drug dealer, a thug! He beat you up…"

Ste talked over the top of him, "He's changed! He's been so good to me lately and you just…"

And Doug lost it, just for a second, but it was long enough to utter the three words that he would always, always regret, "He's a murderer!"

Silence.

Ste was staring at him.

And Doug immediately knew he was in deep, deep trouble.

Watching Ste's skin whiten and his eyes widen and glaze with painful memory was almost too much to bear. "Oh god," Ste choked out eventually, "I…I remember."

Doug winced. He had been dreading this day since before Ste had even woken up from his coma.

"Even after you promised not to keep secrets from me ever again…you had that recording on your phone…Brendan's confession…" Ste muttered each sentence jaggedly as each memory of that day came back to him. "And then I went outside and Leah was in the road and…" Ste visibly shuddered.

"But at least you know now…" Doug tried desperately. "You know he's a murderer now. That you should keep away from him…"

"I knew about Danny's murder years ago!" Ste hissed angrily. "I've known for years."

"You…what?" That caught Doug totally by surprise. "You knew? And you didn't tell anybody? You protected Brendan?!"

"Of course I did." Ste snapped. "I love hi…" He paused, looking surprised at himself. Doug's heart did a sickening jolt.  
"I loved him." Ste said after a moment. "I was disgusted by what he'd done but he paid the price in more ways than one."

"I can't…I can't believe it…"

"Don't turn this on me!" Ste was pointing at him now, his face contorted in anger in a way Doug hadn't seen since Ste's mum had visited. "This is about you lying to me! On our wedding day, the day that you were going to _marry _me, you still wanted one over on Brendan?"

Doug stopped. "He would have never have left us alone."

"He already had! And even if he had carried on he would have stopped if I'd asked him. He would have done that for me. And yet I asked you not to do anymore to try and turn him into the police and you did it anyway. I asked you time and time again what it was that I couldn't remember, and if Brendan had been to see me in hospital and you didn't tell me anything and lied. Even now, even though he's in Ireland – so far away – you still talk about him and hate him like he's the only reason we aren't working. Well, guess what, you're wrong. "

"Ste, what are you saying?" Doug was panicking now. Ste was angry, but he'd come round. He always did. They'd apologise to each other like always and start over. Everything was out in the open now, and things could only get better couldn't they? "Ste, please! I love you. Everything I do is for you."

"You know, there's only one person who's said something like that to me that I think truly meant it." Ste said. "And it's not you."

Doug was going to reply, but Texas and Leanne interrupted. "Guys, your plane is leaving in like twenty minutes!" Leanne said hurriedly. "Whatever the problem is I'm sure you will sort it out when you get to America."

"You are getting on the plane, right?" Texas asked doubtfully.

...

_Oh, I'm getting on a plane alright_, Ste thought.

x-H.O-x

Brendan's apartment in Dublin was beautiful. It was modern with soft carpeted floors and sleek leather sofas and marble work surfaces and a huge window that looked out over Dublin, which was lit up in the dark night. It was visually a beautiful apartment, but it was cold, hard and empty when you were living in it all alone.

Brendan sat on one of the black leather sofas, perched on the edge, not wanting to get comfortable. He was bouncing his knee and nursing a glass of whisky in his hands, staring out over the city through the window. He half wished he could be one of the people enjoying the mild, clear night and the near-Christmas buzz of Dublin. But he didn't leave the apartment. He wanted to continue to wallow in his misery and curl up in bed and wait to do the same damn thing all over again tomorrow.

His phone buzzed on the coffee table, making a loud, thundering noise that made Brendan jump, sent his knee-bouncing-rhythm to shit and had him nearly spilling whisky on the cream carpet. "Shit." He cursed, downing the rest of the whisky and reaching for the offending noise.

But then he saw the name on the screen. His hand hovered over the phone before he retracted it jerkily, itching to answer, but begging himself not to. He left it to call out on the coffee table. The phone continued to vibrate and skitter across the shiny table-top for a couple of minutes. Brendan's eyes followed it the entire time, but he still didn't answer.

The caller was Steven.

Even in Ireland, Brendan couldn't escape him.

Ste had called him several times over the past couple of days and each time Brendan had managed to stop himself from answering. He had to keep a distance. Brendan hoped Ste would give up on him. Brendan already had.

A message popped up on the screen and Brendan couldn't help reading it.

New voicemail.

Ste had left a voicemail.

Well, that wasn't directly speaking to him was it? Brendan snatched up the phone immediately and pressed it to his ear. Just hearing Ste's voice would make him feel better. Sure, he'd feel terrible and back to level one tomorrow, but just for tonight, he'd have this all to himself. And he'd cherish it.

"_Brendan," _Ste's voice began, he was speaking loudly to be heard over the traffic and shouting in the background. _"I know you're ignoring my calls so I'm trying this instead. If you're listening to this then good…please come and get me." _Brendan took the phone away from his ear and stared and it. What did Ste just say? Come and get him? What? The voicemail message continued and Brendan hurriedly pressed the phone back to his ear _"…Dunno where I am…didn't know exactly where you were, so I asked the taxi driver to just drop me off at some place well known. I'm at…what's the name again? Ha'penny Bridge? I think that's it…well…I'm there. I hope you know where that is 'cos I haven't got a clue, me. And it's bloody freezing. So, come and find me, yeah?" _The message ended.

What? Did Ste just say Ha'penny Bridge? But that was here, in Dublin.

Brendan listened to the message again and there was no denying what Ste had said. Ste was at Ha'penny Bridge. In Dublin.

Brendan grabbed his phone, his keys and jacket and was out of the apartment in thirty seconds, taking the steps down to the ground floor two at a time. Ha'penny was a mile or so away. And Brendan was going to run every single metre.

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**That's all for now, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you on this cliffie for a few days before I next update because I've got lots of work to do.**  
**Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. If so, please take a second to review! Thanks!  
mnm37 x  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Thanks for being so patient waiting for this update! **  
**Thank you also to everyone who has read, followed and faved this story so far. And many thanks to those who have left such lovely reviews :)**

* * *

Ste huddled further into his coat, rocking on his heels. His phone was clutched in his cold hand. Brendan hadn't called back.

Brendan had probably just deleted the voicemail message. This had been a dumb idea. What if Brendan didn't want to see him? What if he left Ste stranded in Dublin feeling more confused and broken than he already was? He wouldn't blame Brendan if that was what Brendan decided. It was Ste's fault that this was all as messed up as it was in the first place. He should have followed his heart rather than his head ages ago. Doing it now was probably far too late. It felt too late.

The longer Ste waited, his breath puffing out before him in clouds in the chilly winter air, the more time he had to think. Everything had happened so fast it was hard to process.

One minute he'd been about to get on a plane to America. The next he was on a plane to Dublin instead.

...

He and Doug had talked it through back at the airport, after the initial anger and accusations had died down. They had sat alone, side by side in the departure lounge and finally, _finally _they had quietly and calmly discussed what they should have done a very long time ago:

"I'm sorry I lied." Doug had said. "And that I kept secrets from you. And that I hid the necklace. And…"

"It's not the lying that's the problem though, is it?" Ste had sighed.

"What do you think the problem is?" Doug hadn't looked at Ste when he'd asked it. He'd watched his clasped hands in his lap instead.

"It's this. Us. I don't even know what it is anymore, because it doesn't feel like love anymore. I feel awful for saying it, but you think it too, don't you?"

Doug had sighed and looked up at him.

"Answer me truthfully; does this feel right to you?" Ste had continued, gesturing between them. "Is this what love is supposed to be?" Obsession and possession were not love. Brendan had learned that lesson. Doug would have to learn it too.

"Well I'm not an expert," Doug's mouth had quirked in the ghost of a smile. "But love is supposed to be happy, loyal, compromising, fair and…" Doug had trailed off, eyes shifting guiltily, "And everything that we aren't."

"There was love there, Doug. I wouldn't have married you otherwise." They had just rushed everything. They were engaged after four months and married about a month after that. It had all happened too fast and not for any of the right reasons.

"And you are saying there isn't anymore?"

"Can you feel it as strongly as you did before?"

Doug had shrugged sadly. They had been silent for a minute or so before Doug had spoken again. "There's no way we can make this work, is there?"

"The harder we try to make it work, the worse it gets, can't you see that?"

Doug had turned to him, resigned, "I see it. I tried so hard to keep you that I just ended up pushing you away. I see it, but I can't just give this up. I can't give you up. Just give us another chance? We can talk through it like we have now. We can make this work…"

But they had both known another chance would be the hundredth chance. They had both known that another chance wouldn't work. And yet Doug had tried. Tried, but he had been fighting a losing battle. It had made Ste feel terrible, and it hurt him that he was doing this to Doug, but he wasn't going to keep telling himself that this was it.

Doug had seen the doubt on Ste's face. "You're not coming to America with me, are you?"

Ste had shaken his head. "I'm sorry."

When the final call was made for Doug's flight, Ste had pulled the ring off his finger and pressed it into Doug's palm. "I'm so sorry this didn't work between us, Doug."

Doug had looked down at the ring in his hand, and then across at the necklace that had still been clutched in Ste's other hand. Then he'd looked back at Ste, sad, but defiant, like he was finally giving up pretending.

"Earlier when you found the necklace you said that I talk about Brendan like he's the only reason we aren't working. You didn't say he wasn't a reason. You still love him." It wasn't a question. When Ste didn't deny it, Doug continued, voice breaking, "You never did stop loving him did you? Not even on our wedding day. I know I was the easy, safe option. I know it and you know it, but we couldn't admit it. But I was ok with that, because it was me you chose. I do love you Ste, and I wanted it to work. I still do. But you've changed your mind haven't you?"

"I'm sorry." Was all Ste could say.

"I was so convinced that you were my soul mate Ste." Doug said, reaching down to pick up his bag. "But I was wrong wasn't I? You already have one." He had started to cry then, his eyes brimming with tears. "This is your last chance, Ste. You don't know if you have a future with him, but I can promise you one with me. Will you come with me?"

Ste had looked down at the necklace in his hand, then back up at Doug and had shaken his head.

Doug had bitten his lip and his eyes had filled with more tears. "I do love you, Ste."

"I loved you too."

Doug had nodded, devastated, and had turned away, moving quickly towards the gateway to the plane before Ste could say goodbye.

It was true, he had loved Doug.

It was just that he was in love with Brendan more.

He'd gotten a taxi home with the kids – a different one to Texas and Leanne, who had looked like they were about to strangle him – and had sat in his living room for a long time, staring blankly at the wall, warring with himself as to whether going to Dublin was a good idea, or a sensationally bad one.

He didn't know if Brendan still wanted him. He didn't know if Brendan still cared. Hell, maybe Brendan moved to Dublin to get away from him...in fact that was most probably the reason why. But Ste realised that he had to follow, just in the hope that there was something still there and that he hadn't ruined his last chance with Brendan. Brendan had done so much chasing of Ste over the past few years, that Ste decided it was his turn to make the choice, take the chance, and go to find Brendan.

He had dropped the kids off with Jack and Frankie, promising to return in two days at the most. He hoped two days would give him enough time to make amends, or, in the worst case scenario, be rejected. Although he hoped for the former, he would even take the latter for the chance to see Brendan one last time, to tell him how he felt, and to say a proper goodbye.

...

And so here Ste was, for that very reason, standing on a dark December night in Dublin, among the Christmas lights that lined the streets beside Ha'penny Bridge, waiting for the man he loved. If Brendan would show at all.

He waited for another few minutes before grabbing his bags from where they had been keeping his feet slightly toastier, and wandering into the middle of the bridge to look down into the river. He sighed as watched the dark, glassy surface, wishing that Brendan would come and find him. He missed him more than he could describe.

He spotted a padlock on the railing near his hands. On the journey from the airport the taxi driver had told him all about Ha'penny Bridge, about the padlocks and the river. He turned the padlock over to look at it. '_Tom and Elaine' _it said. He wondered where Tom and Elaine were now. He wondered if they were still together. He imagined them standing exactly where he was, looking out together over the river. He wondered what they did with the key to the padlock. Did they keep it with them? Did they put it away somewhere safe or special? Or did they throw it in the river?

"That's what I'd do." Ste muttered aloud, looking back at the water. "So I'd never be able to take the padlock away. I'd throw it in the River Li…" He paused, trying to remember what the taxi driver had called it. "Lif…"

"Liffey." Someone said behind him, close to his ear. "It's the River Liffey." The hot breath warmed his neck, and the voice warmed his heart, because Ste would have recognised that voice anywhere.

"Brendan." He breathed, before spinning around and coming face to face with the man he had feared he would never see again. "You came to find me."

"Well I had to didn't I?" Brendan said, voice struggling to find a balance between serious and teasing. "Couldn't leave you lost on the streets of Dublin now could I?" Brendan's eyes were moving as he spoke, taking in every inch of Ste. Ste had forgotten how much that made his heart race. "Irish hospitality and all that." Then, as quick as lightening, Brendan looked Ste hard in the eye, "What are you doing here Steven?"

"It's good to see you too." Ste grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Why are you here Steven?" Brendan asked again, each word slow and deliberate. Brendan was glaring at him suspiciously.

Ste couldn't help the scowl creeping onto his face. "Because I wanted to ask you a few questions."

Brendan looked taken aback and, Ste was pleased to see, rather disappointed too. "You wanted to ask me questions?"

"Yes."

"You came all this way…to ask me questions?"

"Well, you weren't answering my calls."

Brendan's scowl quickly matched Ste's own. "Do you want to know why I wasn't answering your calls?"

"No." Ste said stubbornly, "Because I am here to ask _you _questions, not the other way around."

Brendan's obvious surprise by Ste's response ended in a slight smirk. Even in the worst of scenarios, Ste knew his stubborn banter always amused Brendan. "After you then, Steven."

Ste buried his hand in his pocket and pulled out Brendan's necklace, dangling it in front of Brendan's face. "Want to tell me about this?"

Brendan swallowed, shifting awkwardly. "Does Douglas know you have that?"

"Doug's gone Brendan." Ste said, his remaining guilt only adding to the finality of that statement. He didn't miss the change in Brendan's eyes. "He's gone to America. So I want you to tell me."

"You found it then."

Ste huffed angrily. Brendan was not answering properly on purpose. Why couldn't he answer truthfully? Why couldn't he have just been truthful with Ste from the start? But then again; why hadn't any of them been truthful with each other from the start? It would have saved a lot of people from a whole lot of unnecessary heartbreak. Ste and Brendan's dance around each other over the past few years had gotten a lot of innocent unknowing people caught up in it, and all of those people had been left lying in the dust in the end. In the end, it was always going to be about Ste and Brendan.

"I did."

"When you say Douglas is gone…"

"Let's just say if Doug comes back from America, it won't be for me." Ste said with determination.

Brendan's eyes dropped to Ste's left hand, and finding no ring, he looked back up with wide eyes. "You and Douglas are over?"

"We should have been a while ago." Ste said. "But he's not why I'm here. You are why I'm here." He then held up the necklace again, "Doug hid this and said you hadn't been to visit me in the hospital."

"Well, I did. Obviously."

"But you didn't tell me you had when I asked you before!"

"I know." Brendan's eyes dropped guiltily, and he glanced up quickly to add "Sorry." before he looked away again.

"Why did you not tell me you'd been to visit me? And why…" Ste didn't mean for his voice to break, but it did, so he cleared his throat and tried again, "Why did you visit me and then not come back?"

"I couldn't."

"Why?" Ste also couldn't help his voice falling to a wounded whisper, "I don't understand what I've done to make you not want to be around me anymore."

Brendan pinched the bridge of his nose with his hand, eyes shutting as he ground out, "It's not because I don't _want_ to be around you anymore."

"Then what is it?"

"It's because I _can't_ be around you anymore."

Ste looked at Brendan in hurt and complete confusion. "I don't understand."

Brendan glanced at Ste's face and his hand flew from his nose to scrub through his hair. "I made a deal. Ok?" He eventually snapped.

Ste frowned, puzzlement building. "What do you mean 'a deal'?"

"I…" Brendan huffed in frustration, his breath turning to visible smoky grey in the air. He looked away from Ste again and out over river. "I made a deal that if you lived after…you know…" He swallowed. "…the accident, that I would leave you alone."

"What? I don't get it. Who did you make a deal with?"

Brendan's eyes fell on the crucifix on the necklace still dangling from Ste's clenched fist. Ste followed his gaze and realised, "Oh." He paused, trying to process what Brendan was telling him. "So as soon as you heard I was awake…"

"I had to keep my distance."

"But I didn't want you to."

"I had made a deal."

"Well it was a stupid deal!"  
Brendan looked shocked, but Ste was too annoyed to spare Brendan's feelings on the matter. "When I woke up all I wanted was for you to be there. To care about me. But you weren't there."

"Of course I care about you Steven!" Brendan sounded rather appalled that Ste thought otherwise. "I wouldn't have made that deal if I didn't. It was hard to keep away but you had Douglas and…"

"And so you flew off to Dublin without even saying goodbye."

"I was going to come back."

"Oh yeah? When?"

Brendan didn't reply, only answered with a shrug. "Being here made avoiding you - the deal - easier."

Ste knew his face had fallen. So Brendan really had come to Dublin just to get away from him. "I didn't want you to leave. I shouldn't have been the reason you decided to go."

"There were other reasons too." Brendan reasoned. "What with what happened this year with Lynsey and Walker and Joel, and your accident, I just needed to get out of the village and clear my head."

Ste wondered what it was that had happened with Joel that year, but he didn't get the chance to ask because Brendan then added, "But I suppose that yeah, it was mostly because of you…and Douglas. It hurt to see you with him."

Ste couldn't help the flutter in his chest that he felt at Brendan's words. Although it pained Ste to think that he had made Brendan suffer that way, it had been the first true spoken suggestion that Brendan still had feelings for him. "You still like me?"

Brendan looked at him sideways and his lip quirked. "I've always liked you Steven." He answered flippantly. "Well, maybe not right away, but…"

"You know that's not what I mean."

Brendan turned away from him completely and leant on the railing of the bridge. Ste ignored the dismissal and apparent avoidance to answer the question properly, and walked right to Brendan's side.

"You know, until today, one of the last things I remembered from the day of the accident was during the morning when I spoke to you on the steps outside _Chez Chez_." He watched Brendan shift his stance awkwardly, but the Irishman made no further response. "You wanted to tell me something but I was so busy ranting about stuff that you didn't tell me what you wanted to."

"I did."

"You didn't just want to 'wish me all the best' Brendan. I should have seen that. You wanted to tell me something else. Tell me what it was, please."

"It's too late for that Steven."

"No!" Ste grabbed Brendan's arm and turned him so that they were standing face to face, at the closest proximity that they'd been in too long a time. "No it's not too late! Please! Tell me what it was you were going to say."

"Steven…"

"Please don't tell me it's too late." Ste begged. "I know that all of this is my fault and I'm sorry but if you'd just…"

"That I loved you." Brendan said suddenly, urgently, like he'd been holding it in for a long time and suddenly the dam had broken. "That's what I was going to tell you. I didn't want you to go through with the wedding because I loved you."

Ste nearly fell over with surprise. At the time he'd had no idea that Brendan still felt that way about him – as more than a friend – but after all he knew now, he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep telling me Doug was best for me when you felt that way? I thought it was because you didn't want me anymore."

"I'll always want you Steven." Brendan huffed a laugh that sounded as though Brendan had resigned himself to that fate long ago. "But I'm no good for you."

Ste couldn't understand why Brendan would sacrifice his own happiness, because he thought that Ste was better off with someone else, who in the end wasn't what Steven wanted or needed, and hadn't been good for him at all. "You know, if you had actually told me that on the day, I wouldn't have gone to the wedding."

It was Brendan's turn to look surprised. "What?"

"If you had told me how you felt, I wouldn't have married him."

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?!" Ste gestured around himself madly. "I'm not just here to ask you questions Brendan! I came here to bring you back to Hollyoaks…with me."

Brendan opened his mouth, but Ste knew it was probably with an argument of some sort, so he jumped in again, "Just, let me say my piece alright? I just need you to listen for a minute."

Brendan's mouth closed slowly and, after watching Ste closely for a moment, he finally nodded.

"That morning when you didn't tell me what you should have, I told you that I thought love was proper overrated. You told me it wasn't, that it was a leap of faith, and that if you find something that you want, no matter how scared you are, you have to think that it's going to work out. That's why I'm here. Because I let myself truly realise who it is I want, and who I've really wanted and needed all along. You."

Ste saw Brendan's eyes light up, but the Irishman's face remained serious. "I'm no good for you." He repeated his earlier statement with certainty.

Ste let out an angry cry. "Before you made that decision for the both of us did you ask me my opinion on whether _I_ think you're no good for me?"

"I don't have to." Brendan said quietly. "I know I'm not good enough."

"Well I think you are." Ste shot back immediately. "And had you also considered that the life you and God made a deal on wouldn't be worth living if you weren't in it? That kind of ruins the whole purpose of the deal, don't you think? Seen as though God is all about love and that. And so what if you told God you'd leave me alone? The deal doesn't say that _I _had to leave _you_ alone. Does it?"

"No but…"

"No matter what I thought was best for me before, and no matter what you, God or anyone else think is best for me, deep down I know who I want to be with, and if God isn't happy then I don't care; I'm not religious. I wasn't even christened, me." Ste folded the cross necklace into Brendan's hand for emphasis. "I followed you to Dublin: I don't care about the deal Brendan, I care about you."

"Steven," Brendan whispered, and there was a smile in his voice as he moved forwards into Ste's space, so close the clouds of their breath mingled together and then disappeared. He pocketed the necklace.

"What you said to me just now…" Ste carried on, quieter now, calmer, "You said you wanted to tell me that day that you loved me. Have those feelings changed?"

"Steven." Brendan said again, more desperately, as he shifted closer and pushed their foreheads together, his hands sliding up to the back of Ste's neck.

Ste couldn't help the shiver that ran down his spine at the contact. "I love you Brendan." He whispered. "I should have been honest about it all along and I shouldn't have tried to hide it or bury it. I love you."

Brendan let out a sound that, as Ste would be told later, was definitely not at all like a whimper.

"I just need to know that you still feel the same." Ste ducked slightly to catch Brendan's gaze. "Please feel the same."

"Of course I do." Brendan said hoarsely, moving one of his hands to brush his fingertips along Ste's jaw and then up behind his ear. "I never stopped loving you, Steven." And, without further hesitation, he closed the miniscule gap between them to seal their final and long anticipated acceptance with a kiss.

* * *

**That's all for this chapter. Dublin and sexy times to follow so watch this space ;)**  
**Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! If so please take a second to review :) Thanks!**  
**mnm37 x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! Sorry for the wait for the update, and that this chapter is a relatively short one, but I've been really busy and I wanted to update something rather than keep you waiting any longer. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Thank you to everyone who has read, faved and followed this story so far.**

**Just a small note I'd like to add to the guest reviewer who told me that this story was boring because it was about Stendan - This is clearly a Stendan fic. If you don't like them then you certainly don't have to read it. **

**To everyone else who has left reviews...thank you so much for the lovely comments!**

* * *

God, Brendan had missed this. Had missed Ste.

Brendan had spent so long pining for Ste yet trying to keep him at an arm's length for his own good. But that was before Ste had followed him to Ireland, waited for him on a bridge, laid everything on the line and then asked why the hell they couldn't be together. And Brendan hadn't been able to find a single one of the excuses he'd been using the past six months to remind himself that Ste was better off with someone else. Ste had come to Dublin for Brendan, he'd told Brendan he loved him, and Brendan would have been lying if he'd said he didn't feel the same.

And now they were kissing. And Brendan could feel it again - that buzz that he felt when he knew – and was being shown – that Ste wanted him. He hadn't felt it this strongly in such a long time. And now that he was tasting it again, he wondered how he had ever allowed himself to let it go in the first place.

He could feel Ste's smile against his lips, the heat of Ste's tongue against his own and the warmth that he'd been missing for a year and a half surround him again.

Eventually they had to part, but only by a hairsbreadth, gasping for air, and just stared at each other, panting hot breath into each other's mouths.

"Brendan," Ste whispered, eyes searching Brendan's face. Brendan could see that look in Ste's eyes, the one of pure adoration that had been kept so well masked for such a long time. "I've missed you."

Brendan smiled in response and pressed his lips to Ste's once again to show him just how much he'd missed him too.

Ste, whose hands had been at Brendan's waist, lifted them to Brendan's face, but the minute his cold fingers touched Brendan's skin Brendan pulled away. At Ste's look of confusion, Brendan took Ste's hands in his own. "You're freezing." Brendan explained, rubbing one of Ste's smaller hands with his palm.

"Yeah, well, you took a bloody long time to get here."

Brendan huffed a laugh. "Well I wasn't expecting a visitor."

Ste perked up even more at that, his kilowatt smile somehow growing brighter, "A visitor? Does that mean I can stay with you?"

Brendan rolled his eyes. "Well where else are you going to stay?" He picked up one of Ste's bags. "I wouldn't have you stay anywhere else." He pressed a final kiss to Ste's lips. "Come on, let's get you back to my apartment and warmed up."

Ste nodded, picked up his second bag and turned to leave the bridge. Brendan wrapped an arm around his shoulders to spin him round. "It's this way." He grinned into Ste's ear as he steered him in the other direction.

x-H.O-x

Ste couldn't keep the smile off his face, no matter how hard he tried. Here he was, in Dublin, with Brendan's arm wrapped around him, having just _finally _admitted everything to each other. When he'd woken up that morning, he'd never dreamt that this would be happening, in fact, he had woken up this morning with the horrifying notion that he might not ever see Brendan again. With that thought in mind, he tucked himself further into Brendan's side. Brendan instinctively tightened his grip.

"You ok?" Brendan looked down at him as they walked.

"Yeah. I just was thinking about how differently today could have gone." There was a beat of silence before Ste admitted, "I'm so glad I came here."

Brendan smiled, and Ste was positive he hadn't ever seen Brendan smile so much in one day, before he said "No-one's gladder than I am, Steven."

Ste smiled up at Brendan, before looking curiously around the street they were walking down. "I like Dublin."

"You've barely seen any of it."

"I know. But I like it already."

"Well, maybe I can show you around tomorrow. Then you'll like it even more." Brendan said it indifferently, but to Ste it sounded like the best idea in the world.

"Yeah," He grinned, "I'd love that."

Finally, Brendan slowed them down and guided Ste into a posh looking apartment building. Ste's mouth dropped open. "This is well fancy, this."

"Wait until you see the apartment." Brendan said, sounding a little pleased with himself as Ste followed him into the elevator, Brendan hit the button for the top floor and the doors slid closed.

Ste leant against the side of the elevator, wringing his cold hands and watching Brendan. He missed the arm around his shoulders now that it had gone, and he really, really felt the urge to kiss Brendan again, but for some reason, he felt nervous. Even when fifteen minutes ago they had been declaring their mutual love and kissing each other, he now felt shy. It felt like this was the time that everything was going to change for them, and he really didn't want to spoil it in any way.

Luckily, Brendan made up Ste's mind for the both of them, when he closed the space between them, taking the bag out of Ste's hand and dropping it on the floor, before pressing his body to Ste's. The feeling of Brendan's body so close to his again had all doubts clearing out of Ste's mind as quickly as they'd come, and he found himself reaching out his hands to hook his fingers in Brendan's belt loops to pull him even closer. He then leant forward with a cheeky grin to kiss him.

By the time the elevator dinged at the top floor, Ste's hair was mussed and Brendan's coat was half hanging off his shoulders. They broke apart and Ste hurriedly picked up both of his bags whilst Brendan fiddled with the keys to the apartment and got the door open. Ste had been intending to carry on immediately from where he and Brendan had left it in the elevator, but the moment he got inside the apartment he dropped his bags in surprise. "Wow." He looked around in awe. He'd not even been to hotel rooms that were as fancy as this. He found himself rushing towards the giant window by the sofas, pressing his hands and face against the glass whilst looking out at the lit up city. "This is amazing!" He declared.

He heard Brendan chuckle behind him, and soon the Irishman was right behind him, arms sliding around his waist and Brendan's chin rested on his shoulder. "Beautiful isn't it?" Brendan murmured into his ear.

Ste hummed in agreement and leant back into Brendan's hold. He turned his head slightly so he could press his lips to Brendan's hairline. "I really have missed you. I was so terrified at the thought of having to live without you – of never seeing you again."

He heard Brendan's sharp intake of breath close to his ear, and they stared out at the city for a while, trying not to imagine what would have happened to the pair of them if Ste had gotten on a different plane that day. "I know how that feels," Brendan replied eventually.

Ste turned around in the loop of Brendan's arms so that they were face to face; needing to be brutally honest to the man he'd hidden his feelings for, for so long. "I don't want to have to face that again. I don't want to be apart from you again."

Brendan looked down at him, his eyes dark and warm. Brendan looked genuinely happy. Ste hadn't seen that look too often before. He hoped it was one that he could get used to. It made Brendan look even younger, a lot freer and not so burdened with everything that the man had weighing down on him.

"You don't have to be." Brendan said. It sounded like a promise. "As long as you want me, I'll be here."

Ste lifted his hand to Brendan's face and smoothed a thumb over the light stubble on his cheek. "I'll always want you." He leant forward and softly kissed Brendan's bottom lip. He then parted his lips as Brendan began to respond, keeping it slow and tender.

Brendan's hands moved up to unfasten Ste's coat, and Ste let it slide off his shoulders and onto the floor, gasping as Brendan's cool hands slipped under his jumper and onto the warm skin of his stomach.

"Bren…" He moaned into Brendan's mouth as Brendan ran his hands up across Ste's ribs and back down his sides to his waist in order to pull the jumper off over his head. Ste complied, lifting his arms and letting Brendan drop the garment beside them when it was off. Ste was about to return the favour for Brendan, but before he could even reach out to take off Brendan's coat, Brendan's hands were on him again, touching him everywhere. He skimmed his thumbs over Ste's collar bones and then across his nipples, lowering his head to mouth at his neck. Ste closed his eyes against the sensation of being completely and utterly overwhelmed by Brendan. It was a sensation he had always felt, and always craved: it was addictive, but this time it seemed even more intense, because each kiss was a promise, and this time it really could be forever.

Ste finally managed to clear the fog in his mind that had been induced by Brendan's ministrations and whilst Brendan's fingers spanned down his shoulder blades, spine and across his back, Ste worked on getting Brendan's coat off of him.

"Wait," Brendan grunted suddenly, gently biting Ste's collarbone before pulling away.

Ste stilled, the coat dangling from his hand. Brendan quickly took it off Ste and rummaged through the pocket before tossing it aside to lie on top of Ste's coat and jumper. He then stepped back towards Ste again and reached behind his neck.

Before Ste could figure out what was happening, Brendan was leaning away to look at him and Ste could feel a cool weight against his chest. He looked at Brendan quizzically and then down at his chest, to find the cross pendant and ring of Brendan's necklace resting there. His hands flew up to feel the chain around his neck, and then to carefully stroke a finger along the cross. "But this is yours."

"I gave it to you." Brendan said. "I want you to have it." His voice was warm and fond, but his eyes were hungrily raking Ste's body in the way that always made Ste weak at the knees. "Besides, it looks better on you."

"I doubt that." Ste said softly, bringing the cross up to press it against his lips. For the whole journey on the plane, he'd clutched the pendant in his hand, learning every wear and dent, counting every link in the chain. It had helped distract him from the nervousness of flying, of what would happen when he got to Dublin, and what the necklace meant for his and Brendan's future.

This necklace was something Ste had never seen Brendan without, and now Brendan had given it to him, and it said more than a thousand words.

"Thank you." He said, looking up to find Brendan now shirtless in front of him. Ste's mouth dropped open for the second time that evening. "Wow…I mean…erm…" He reached out his hands to press them against Brendan's bulked up frame, blushing slightly at his sudden incoherence. "You've been working out."

Brendan grinned at him and Ste glanced up to catch the flash of teeth and the crinkles at the corners of Brendan's eyes that he'd always adored, before his attention fell back to the body before him. It was his turn to explore. Brendan's body was different to how it had been two years ago, with firmer muscles and thicker arms and shoulders and a solid chest, but he still found the tattoos, and every single scar and blemish that he had dedicated to memory. He was silently devastated when he found any new scars that hadn't been there before, not wanting to imagine how Brendan had gotten them.

x-H.O-x

Brendan tried to remain patient under Ste's wandering eyes and hands, but it was hard. He could see the loving attention in the boy's eyes, and his touch was feather light and tantalizing. It wasn't until Ste lowered his head to lick the tattoo on Brendan's chest that he felt his patience dissolve.

"Steven…" He urged, placing two fingers under Ste's chin to encourage him back up to head height so that he could kiss him again. This kiss wasn't as unhurried as the last few had been. This kiss held the hunger and the passion and the want for each other that neither of them had lost. Brendan explored Ste's mouth as thoroughly as he'd relearnt the boy's body earlier. Brendan knew he hadn't been the only one who'd been working out. Ste's body was more toned and muscular too, but it still held that slightness that Brendan found so attractive. Ste's hair was as soft as Brendan remembered, his skin as equally soft and tanned, and his eyelashes were just as long. As sickeningly soppy as it sounded, Brendan reckoned Ste had never looked more beautiful. With his necklace around Ste's neck, he couldn't help the swell in his chest at the thought that Ste was his again, and god, did that necklace look good on Ste.

But it also reminded him of why he had given Ste the necklace in the first place, and it made him remember the last time he had seen Ste shirtless. The boy had been in a coma on a hospital bed, unable to respond as Brendan begged Ste not to leave the world, told him of his deal and that he loved him, and left his necklace in Ste's hand. The memories hit Brendan like a freight train, and he suddenly felt all the feelings he'd kept buried in order to be strong for Doug and Cheryl, and for Steven, bubble to the surface.

"God, I'm sorry." He said, pushing his forehead against Ste's, their noses brushing.

"What for?" Ste sounded confused, blue eyes looked into his for answers.

"For not coming back to the hospital. I wanted to, but I…"

"Made the deal. I get it, Bren."

"You have no idea…when I got the phone call…and when I saw you…" Tubes and frantic nurses and beeping machines. "I thought I'd lost you." The noise the machines made when Ste had flat-lined. "I did lose you, for a moment." He wrapped his arms tighter around Ste's smaller frame. Ste had looked so fragile in that hospital bed. So pale and broken. "I was so scared." He finally whispered. He knew that Ste was surprised that he'd admitted to being scared about something. To be honest, Brendan was surprised too.

Ste's reaction was to cup Brendan's face with his hands. "And you didn't think I felt the same? When I got the phone call about the explosion? I was terrified." Ste kissed Brendan's lips. "I thought I'd lost you too." He kissed Brendan's moustache. "But you're here. I'm here." He peppered more kisses along Brendan's jaw. "We're both ok. Yeah?"

Brendan nodded, closing his eyes and dropping his head to Ste's shoulder.

Ste didn't let Brendan stay that way for long though; he began to fidget in his arms and then started to kiss down the side of Brendan's neck and along his shoulder. Brendan groaned in response and lifted his head so that their lips could clash once again. The fire came back immediately, as though their sombre moment hadn't interrupted at all, both of them losing themselves in each other rather than the thoughts of their respective hospitalisations and the what ifs that were heavily attached to them.

Ste, always the horny little fucker, was the first to give in and was soon reaching for the belt of Brendan's trousers. He licked the shell of Brendan's ear and then mouthed against it "This is a lovely apartment." His voice was low and seductive and it made Brendan that little bit harder. "I'd love to see what the bedroom looks like."

Brendan didn't need asking twice.

* * *

**I know, I know, I'm sorry I had to leave it there! The next chapter will pick up straight from where this chapter left off though ;)**

**Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If so, please take a second to review, each one is most appreciated! Thank you!  
**

**mnm37 x  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**A quick thank you as always to those who have read/faved/followed and especially reviewed this fic so far!  
**

**So without further ado, picking up from where we left off...**

**Warning for mature content - Dublin smex!  
**

* * *

Brendan backed Ste into the bedroom, manoeuvring him towards the bed, their hands fumbling at each other's belts and trouser fastenings. When the back of Ste's knees hit the bed, he fell down abruptly and Brendan took the opportunity of Ste's sitting position to kneel in front of him and whip off Ste's shoes, socks, jeans and boxers.

The minute that Ste was completely naked in front of him, Brendan rocked back on his heels, hands running up and down the boy's hairy thighs as he looked up at him. Ste looked right back at him, his lips red, bruised and lustily parted, his eyes hooded and shining with want and love. The boy was beautiful. There was no doubt about it. Ste caught his lip in his teeth and spread his legs a little wider so that Brendan could lean closer to him. Brendan surged up to kiss him again, hard and fast, before he lowered his head to Ste's hip tattoo to give it a long, slow lick. He then moved down to mouth along the insides of Ste's thighs. Brendan glanced up with a satisfied, smug grin to see Ste's mouth fall open further and his head tip back, and then he looked away in order to take Ste's hard length into his mouth. He didn't need to see Ste's reaction because hearing the needy, breathy moan was more than enough.

Brendan ran his tongue flat along the underside of Ste's erection and up to suck gently on the tip, before letting Ste's cock disappear completely between his lips.

"Brendan…" Ste groaned, his hips twitching upwards in time with the Brendan's tongue and lips. One of Ste's hands fluttered into Brendan's hair as his hitching breaths encouraged Brendan to work faster and harder.

It wasn't long before Ste was crying out his release and Brendan was swallowing it down like a man dying of thirst. A small, smug voice at the back of his mind realised it hadn't taken very long at all to make Ste lose control and it wondered whether Ste might have lost some of his stamina, weakened to Brendan's ministrations after a lack of sexual satisfaction for months. He felt kind of bad for thinking it, but god knew Brendan hadn't been properly satisfied since his last time with Ste.

"Guh." Ste choked out incomprehensibly as his arms gave out and he collapsed onto his back on the bed.

"Enjoy that?" Brendan smirked, getting to his feet to fully appreciated the image of debauched Steven lying flat out on the bed whilst he finally divested himself of his own shoes, socks, jeans and underwear.

"Uh-huh." Ste murmured, finding the strength to raise himself back up slightly to follow Brendan's every move as he undressed. His eyes trailed relentlessly up and down Brendan's naked body for a moment or two, before they finally rested on Brendan's cock. "I know something else I'd enjoy too."

"Oh really?" Brendan said; "I'd better grab a couple of things then." He winked and Ste let out one of his loud donkey-laughs as Brendan disappeared to the en-suite bathroom to go hunting in the cupboards for condoms and lube.

"How come you have that stuff here?" He heard Ste call through to him, "I thought you weren't here very often. Or…" Ste's voice dropped with suspicion. "Is that one of the reasons why you come here?"

Brendan rolled his eyes. Ste had been all set to jet off to a different country with his husband that morning, and yet Ste was the one getting jealous of Brendan's non-existent Dublin fuck-buddies, just because Brendan happened to keep well stocked up on things he may need. And he may have needed them eventually, if Ste had taken a different plane to the one he took to Brendan.

Brendan shook those thoughts from his head, determined to enjoy every single millisecond of Steven he could get. "I'm just always prepared." Brendan grinned finally, returning to the bed.

Ste shifted to the middle of the mattress and Brendan climbed onto the bed too, smothering Ste's body entirely with his own, pushing his thigh between Ste's legs, trailing his fingers over any available skin beneath him.

"Oh." Ste said, frowning slightly. "I thought it was maybe because Joel and Theresa had been staying here."

"Please." Brendan scoffed in mock-offence. "I need _much _bigger condoms than Scottish Foxy."

Ste broke into a wicked smile then, all thoughts of condoms apparently forgotten, and his attention returned to what the condoms were going to be used on. Ste licked his lips and Brendan tracked the movement closely, unconsciously mirroring the action. "I bet you do." Ste said. His voice was rough already, but that was just the beginning: Brendan was going to make him scream until his voice was spent.

With that in mind, Brendan lathered up a couple of his fingers before dipping them between Ste's legs to circle his hole. Ste keened and gripped the duvet below him, his eyes slipping shut.

"Hey," Brendan called softly to get his attention. "Steven. Look at me, please."

Ste cracked one eyelid open to watch him. _Close enough, _Brendan thought, before leaning over to kiss Ste. "I love you."

Ste's surprise was let out in a cry mingled with his reaction to Brendan's finger entering him. "I love you…" Ste responded. His eyes were alight and happy as his hands reached up to cup Brendan's face. He simultaneously spread his legs wider to properly accommodate Brendan's bulk between them and make it easier for Brendan to work his finger inside. "God I love you so much." Ste cried into Brendan's mouth when Brendan wasted no time in adding a second finger.

At the cry, Brendan stalled, not wanting to take this too fast. He wanted to savour this, and each cry he was dragging from Ste was making Brendan harder, sending him closer to an edge he was nowhere near wanting to be ready for yet. That and the fact that Ste already looked ready for his second release of the evening made Brendan want to draw it out a little longer.

Ste seemed to guess what Brendan was thinking though, because Ste was suddenly gripping Brendan's face a little harder, moving his head to catch Brendan's eyes. "Don't take it slow. Please. I need to feel you again – really feel you – hard and fast like we used to."

Brendan opened his mouth to protest. He wanted to show Ste that it wasn't just sex anymore, it was love-making, but his desperation to have Ste completely and fully again as fast as possible was fighting a winning battle. So he closed his mouth again.

"We have all the time in the world, Bren." Ste rushed breathlessly. "We don't have to take it slow this time, cause we can do this again," Ste thrusted down on Brendan's fingers, "And again," Another thrust. Brendan bit back a groan at the tightness around his knuckles, and at what Ste was promising him. "And again. We can take it slow next time. But now…I just need you. Please."

He'd missed Ste being the one that was in control, no matter that it was him who topped in their relationship. It was nice to have the sassy dominant boy back. The boy knew what he wanted and he made sure Brendan knew it. It was one of the reasons the sex they had was so addictive and mind blowing. And for another thing, Brendan couldn't resist that begging voice.

So adding another finger into the lad's body and ripping the condom wrapper open with his teeth was the only reasonable response to Ste's hot-as-hell request.

"You ready for this?" He asked, eventually withdrawing his fingers.

Ste took the unwrapped condom from Brendan's hand and rolled it onto Brendan's cock, pausing to brush a thumb over the head before he did so. Brendan closed his eyes at the feeling of Ste's hands on him again, but then Ste dragged him back to earth with the words, "I'm always ready for you."

Brendan nodded and Ste wasted no time in bending and bringing up his legs, wrapping them high around Brendan's waist. God Brendan had almost forgotten what a turn on Ste's flexibility was. He dropped his head to Ste's shoulder, bracing himself on one arm as he guided himself into Ste with his other hand.

Ste whined as Brendan entered him and Brendan's breath stuttered. Jesus, Ste was still as tight now as the day Brendan had taken his virginity over two years ago. Ste was lot more experienced now though, relaxing easily to let Brendan fully breach him. Brendan grasped Ste's bony hip in his hand and began to suck on the base of Ste's neck as he withdrew almost as soon as he was fully inside, to thrust back inside again.

And then, just as Ste had asked of him, he kept up a fast and relentless pace, which Ste apparently approved of, judging by the cries that increased in volume on every thrust, which Ste met every time with a push of his own body. Ste's hands were everywhere: nails scraping down Brendan's back, kneading at the flesh of his backside, sliding his palms across his chest and running his fingers through his hair. Their bodies were becoming slicker with perspiration and the rhythm they fell into seemed faster, harder, hotter and _better _than any of the times Brendan could remember or had fantasised over from before.

Brendan finally released Ste's skin from his teeth and looked into Ste's eyes. Blue pools looked back into his own, and Ste surged up to kiss him, a kiss that was hard and dirty, all tongue and teeth.

When Brendan pulled back Ste hissed him a warning, "Bren, I'm close…"

Brendan just saw that as encouragement to up the ante. With each thrust he could see Ste get closer and closer to the edge: his head tossed from side to side, his hands were whitening with the force they were clutching onto Brendan's biceps with, his skin and hair were damp and shining with sweat, and with every thrust he cried out "Bren!" the name on his lips getting louder and more desperate and wanton, until Brendan couldn't keep his control any longer.

"Steven." He groaned, as he shuddered through his orgasm, arms shaking as Ste's hands slid down Brendan's slick arms to entangle their fingers.

Ste followed moments later. "Brendan." He called out, body arching in the most delicious way as he came between them.

Brendan slowed the pace then, thrusting gently as Ste climbed to the high, met it and then began to come back down. It was only when Ste made a noise of discomfort at the sensitivity that Brendan allowed himself to lower his body onto Ste's.

Ste was staring at him, looking utterly and thoroughly wrecked and satisfied. Brendan reckoned he must have looked the same.

"That was…" Ste started, and then shook his head, eyes wide. He squeezed Brendan's fingers with his own. "Wow." was all he said eventually.

Brendan hummed his agreement, not sure he'd be able to find words just yet. He gently pulled out of Ste and rolled to the side of him, before wasting no time in gathering the smaller boy up in his arms.

"Wow is an understatement." He whispered into Ste's ear with his gravelly post-sex voice, that Ste always said he found really sexy. He could feel Ste shudder against him at the sound of it. He gently bit Ste's earlobe, before pulling at it with his teeth, releasing it, and then licking it better.

Brendan looked down to where his fingers were still entwined with Ste's and then back up at Ste, who was looking back at him with more adoration than ever before – which Brendan hadn't previously thought possible. It was a good look on Ste, and it made Brendan feel twice the man. He certainly didn't deserve Steven's affection, hell, he probably would never truly deserve Steven, but with Ste there in his arms, snug, sweaty and positively _shining_ in his arms, it was hard to think about why he was no good for Ste, when there were so many reasons why Ste was so good for him.

Ste had told him tonight that Brendan was worth it. He made Brendan feel worth it. And Brendan had just had, arguably, one of his greatest ever orgasms, with the man he loved. So Brendan was going to let this happen, and just make damn sure he didn't fuck it up along the way, when it really counted.

He held Ste tighter in his arms, feeling drowsy and knowing that Ste was dropping off too. He wanted to get up and find something to use to clean them off, but didn't want to let go of Ste anytime soon, half-afraid that this was some dream that was going to slip through his fingers and that he'd find himself waking up on his black leather sofa alone in his apartment, so he kept his arms firmly around Ste, remained in the bed and held him a bit tighter, until sleep claimed him not long after Ste's breathing evened out in sleep, still holding onto Brendan's hand like he never wanted to let it go. Brendan hoped he never would.

x-H.O-x

Brendan sluggishly blinked awake when he felt a body moving about in his arms and warm lips trail across his chest. He cracked his eyes open to peer down at the dirty-blonde head of hair.

"Steven?" He asked, his voice hoarse from sleep. He could still smell the heavy scent of sex in the air and the room was dark. "What time is it?"

"Dunno…early morning." Ste's reply was muffled as he latched onto Brendan's nipple.

Brendan groaned in response. "You horny fucker." Maybe he'd been wrong about Ste's stamina.

"You want me to stop?"

"No…no…" Brendan replied flippantly. How could he ever want this to stop?

Brendan could feel Ste's smile against his skin. He felt like rolling his eyes, but he was too tired. He decided to just close his eyes instead, and let Steven do whatever he wanted – it wasn't like Brendan was complaining.

x-H.O-x

Ste loved Brendan's skin, a pale expanse for him to lick and taste and touch. He'd tried very hard to go back to sleep when he'd woken up, but with his head already on Brendan's chest, the urge to kiss it had been too strong, so he'd given in to temptation. Brendan had woken up briefly with a very weak protest, and now he was just lying back and giving Ste free reign to explore. Ste was enjoying every second.

His tongue paid attention to each nipple, to the dips above Brendan's collar bones and then the bones themselves, the tattoo on his chest and down his stomach. He then came back up to kiss Brendan's neck.

Brendan let out a pleased sigh next to his ear, so Ste was encouraged to do something he'd never done to Brendan before. He gently caught some of the skin at the base of Brendan's neck between his teeth and slowly began to suck.

Brendan had never let Ste give him a hickey before. When they had slept together in the past Brendan would demand that Ste not leave marks on him – particularly when they had still been keeping the relationship secret - and even in the more intimate times after that, Ste had never dared to. But this felt different.

And soon enough, Brendan was tilting his head to the side, allowing Ste more access to the area he was marking. It made Ste harden almost immediately. Brendan was laying himself out, offering Ste the chance to sexually mark Brendan as his, something that Brendan had done to Ste on numerous occasions, but never the other way round.

Brendan seemed to be enjoying it too, if the quiet hitches in his breathing were anything to go by.

Ste finally released Brendan's skin, knowing there'd be a bruise on Brendan's neck to match the one Brendan had left on his own by the morning and then began to work his way down Brendan's body, peeling the duvet back as he did so.

"You seriously up for another round?" Brendan finally voiced tiredly. He was watching Ste again.

Ste shrugged and stuck his tongue out to run it languidly up Brendan's cock. "I can't help myself."

"What happened to 'we have all the time in the world'?"

"We do! It's just I want more of you now. I'm impatient, me."

"So you're saying round one wasn't good enough for you?" Brendan asked teasingly.

It was clearly a joke, but Ste felt the need to confirm that Brendan was always more than good enough. "No way!" He replied immediately. "It was amazing. It just made me want more. No-one makes me feel like you do Brendan, no-one."

Brendan's sleep-warm hand reached up to cup Ste's face and he fondly stroked a thumb across Ste's cheekbone. Ste took that as a 'go-ahead' signal.

"Besides," Ste said, cheekily tasting Brendan's hardening cock again. "You don't have to do any of the work." Ste then swung his leg over Brendan's body to straddle his hips. "All you have to do is lie back and enjoy."

x-H.O-x

Despite the lack of sleep and the copious physical activity Brendan had partaken in during the night, he woke up feeling more refreshed and happy than he had in a long time. He opened his eyes to light pouring into the bedroom from the large window. He was naked, sprawled out across the majority of the bed, the duvet barely covering his body. He was also alone. He took a miniscule second to panic, before the sound of the shower starting met his ears.

He grinned to himself and slipped out of the bed, padding over to the bathroom.

He stepped into the shower behind Steven, but the lad didn't seem surprised by his sudden appearance, grinning at him cheekily as though he'd been expecting him.

"Morning." Ste said chirpily, giving Brendan a swift kiss over his shoulder whilst Brendan slipped his arms around Ste's small waist and pressed himself against Ste's wet back.

"Morning. You didn't wake me up."

"Well, I'd already kept you up half the night." Ste said, squeezing some shower gel onto his hand and turning around in Brendan's arms to rub it onto his body.

"Hey, I was perfectly happy being kept up." That was an understatement; their second round had been just as good as the first, and Ste was so good at bottoming from the top. "I thought you'd have slept in a bit longer." Brendan continued, "You must be exhausted after last night." Ste had ridden him good and hard. Brendan would have been out like a light for hours afterwards.

"Well it's eleven, and I needed to shower and stuff before you show me round Dublin."

Brendan nodded "Fair enough." He took the bottle out of Ste's hand and poured some gel into his palm. As he cleaned Ste's body he noticed the bruises he'd left on Ste's hips and the love bite on his neck. He also noticed that Ste kept glancing at Brendan's own neck.

It wasn't until he climbed out of the shower and spotted his neck in the mirror that he remembered what had happened that night. "You…" He said, running his fingers over the bruise. It was low enough to be hidden by Brendan's coat collar, which is what Ste probably had in mind, but with a t-shirt, or without one, it was as clear as day. Ste had finally marked him. And he found himself finding it really hot. He'd enjoyed receiving it too. He caught Ste around the waist as the lad got out of the shower behind him and pulled him to his chest. He planted a kiss on Ste's lips, and then Ste gently placed his lips over the bruise he'd left on Brendan's neck.

"Wanna get some breakfast?" Ste asked eventually, looking up as Brendan wrapped a towel around them both.

Brendan reckoned they could have gotten in a round of shower-sex before breakfast, but Ste wanted to be shown around Dublin, so he finally agreed.

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**That's all for this chapter, but yey Dublin sex! ;) I hope we get some before and aftermath scenes from Dublin when it is finally shown on tv.  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I haven't written smut in a long time (and this is my first attempt at Stendan smut!)  
****Thanks for reading! If you did enjoy please take a second to review, each one is greatly loved and appreciated. Thanks!  
mnm37 x  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ok, so this is the last part guys! I thought I'd wrap this up before Dublin and Pa actually hit our screens this coming week. I'm so excited for the Stendan reunion!**

**Thank you so much to everyone who has read, faved, followed and reviewed this. You guys have been awesome! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks.**

* * *

Brendan was busying himself in the kitchen when Ste padded out of the bedroom, rubbing a towel over his hair. Brendan turned to eye the boy up and down. Ste's hair was still damp and sticking every which way, and he was only wearing socks, Brendan's necklace and a pair of Brendan's boxers.

"Didn't you bring your own underwear?" Brendan asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Ste shrugged. "Yeah but I like yours." He then hopped up to sit on the side of the counter, swinging his legs. "So, what's for breakfast?"

Brendan could have happily had Ste for breakfast. He stepped forward, between Ste's legs, to kiss him, running his hands over Ste's skin and feeling it goose-bump under his cool fingertips.

He eventually pulled away to turn back to the fridge. "Bacon and eggs are the only things I have in, so…bacon and eggs?"

Ste peered around him at the mostly empty fridge. "How come you have a complete selection of lube and condoms, but have hardly any food?"

"You know me Steven," Brendan grinned back at him. "I only stock up on the essentials."

Ste rolled his eyes. "Bacon and eggs are great thanks."

Brendan swiftly opened the nearest cupboard, pulled out a frying pan and pushed it into Ste's hands, "Go on then, lord knows you're a better cook than me."

"It's all you wanted me back for really, isn't it?" Ste asked with a playful glint in his eyes. "You missed me cooking."

"Busted." Brendan teased.

Ste jumped down off the counter and immediately became the professional, "Well out of my kitchen then, I'll call you when it's ready."

Brendan knew Ste didn't like to be too distracted when cooking, so went to sit alone on the sofa, looking out at the city. Without Ste there to keep his attention, Brendan's mind couldn't help but wander; and the doubts started creeping in. He wanted to be good enough for Steven, but even now, he wasn't sure if he could be the man Ste deserved.

There were things that he hadn't told Ste, and that Ste should know, but Brendan wanted to avoid those conversations for as long as possible. It was Brendan's past that had made him the man that he had been, but he was trying to leave the past behind, and bringing it up again would only make it worse. He'd be back to square one. It was better that Ste didn't know, but Brendan knew that Ste would find out eventually - he'd found out about Danny after all – and the thought of losing Ste now that they were together again was terrifying. It made him wonder what would be the limit, and how much more of Brendan's darkness it would take for Ste to finally question his loyalty and love to Brendan.

"Hey…" There was hand waving in front of his face. "Brendan?" Brendan blinked back to reality and looked up at Ste. "You were totally zoned out." Ste said, putting a plate of bacon, eggs and toast on Brendan's lap and setting a knife, fork and a bottle of ketchup down on the table in front of him. "You ok?" Ste asked over his shoulder, heading back to the kitchen. "You want some tea? Coffee?"

"I'm fine, Steven." Brendan replied eventually, reaching for the ketchup and attempting to shake his worries out of his head. "And coffee would be good. Thanks."

"No problem." Ste called cheerily, pouring them both a coffee and bringing them over, before dashing back for his own plate of food.

It was only when they were sitting side by side, eating their breakfast, that Ste piped up, "If it weren't for the kids, I'd love to stay here longer, with you."

"How long are you staying for?" Brendan asked through a mouthful of bacon.

"I have to go home tomorrow. The kids are with Frankie and Jack, and I promised I'd be back by tomorrow."

Brendan nodded, and then glanced over to find Ste watching him. "Well, we'll have to make the most of today then."

Ste nodded slowly, eyes never leaving Brendan's face. "You are coming back with me tomorrow, right?" Ste sounded unsure.

And hell, Brendan _felt_ unsure, but he wasn't letting this go. Not again. His insecurities about his past could wait, or be forgotten as best as possible. He wasn't going to lose Ste for anything. "Course I am."

Ste beamed, and Brendan could feel his own face lighting up in response.

They ate in silence for a moment or two, until Ste's face fell a little and he said, "The kids were a bit gutted they couldn't go to America."

"Really?" Brendan felt a pang of guilt, and knew Ste must have been feeling it too. Letting down your kids was a horrible feeling that Brendan knew far too well.

"Yeah, but they will be glad they aren't leaving their school and their friends, I guess." Ste chewed and swallowed a mouthful of toast before continuing, "We had real problems getting Leah to say bye to her friends," Ste smiled fondly to himself, "And Lucas wouldn't let go of Miss Smith's leg."

At the mention of 'we' Brendan stiffened slightly. He couldn't help it. He ate another forkful of food and chewed it thoughtfully. When he'd swallowed it he eventually found himself asking "And what about Douglas?"

"What about him?" Ste asked quietly.

"Well, you are still married to him. The ring's not there but it's down in writing. You made your vows to him."

"To love and trust each other completely?" Ste said. "He didn't trust a word I said, and I was a failure on both counts in the end."

"People will have a lot to say when you turn up back in the village with me and not your husband."

"Frankie has already had a lot to say, but she did the same when I was supposed to be going to Newcastle with Noah." Ste gave him a small smile, "I guess people just need to learn that as long as you're in the village, I'm not going to leave it. Not with anybody."

"What are you going to do?" Brendan couldn't help but press. "About what they say? And about Douglas?"

"Ignore what people say." It sounded like Ste was saying it to the both of them, and not just himself. Brendan knew Ste was obviously frightened Brendan would jump ship and straight into the closet the minute they set foot on English soil. Well, Brendan would just have to prove him otherwise. "I'm happy." Ste continued, reaching over to squeeze Brendan's wrist. "And when, or if, Doug comes back, I'm going to try and fix our friendship, and sort out an annulment."

"You know friendship and annulment rarely go hand in hand, right?"

Ste flicked Brendan's arm. "I can at least try! He was a good friend; I don't want to lose him entirely. But it's his choice I guess."

They fell back into quiet as they finished their breakfast. When they were done Brendan collected the plates and dumped them in the sink. "You'd better go and get changed before I jump you and we'll spend all afternoon here, rather than in the city."

Ste grinned flirtingly. "You like it when I wear your stuff."

To be fair, out of the four items Ste was wearing, only the socks were his. With wearing Brendan's boxers, necklace and the hickey Brendan had given him, Brendan was finding it all a bit of a turn on. He tapped Ste's arse. "I'm serious. Go and get changed."

"I can't believe your urging me to put clothes on." Ste winked, but quickly disappeared into the bedroom. Brendan knew he was excited to explore Dublin, and Brendan was looking forward to showing Ste around his favourite getaway destination.

x-H.O-x

"So, what are we going to do today?" Ste asked, practically bouncing with excitement as they made their way down in the elevator.

Brendan was leaning against the elevator wall casually, looking amused. "Anything you want." Brendan replied.

Ste grinned, "I want to try a proper Guinness in Ireland!"

"Well that was already a definite must for today." Brendan said, "Anything else?"

"I should probably pick up presents for the kids."

"So we'll go into the city centre." Brendan nodded. "Anything else?"

"No, not really, I'll go anywhere you want to show me."

Brendan was quiet for a minute, watching Ste, and the moment the lift pinged on the ground floor, he said "I've got something in mind."

x-H.O-x

They ended up on a walkway by the sea. It was cold and windy, but otherwise picturesque, and Ste couldn't have been happier.  
It was beginning to show too: he'd started rambling, walking a couple of paces ahead of Brendan, babbling about anything and everything. Brendan didn't say much in response. He just followed, smiling to himself, hands in his pockets.

"It's so nice here…" Ste found himself saying. "I love the sea, me. I never really went to the seaside much as a kid. I think I've only swum in the sea once or twice, kind of want to do it again…"

"Go on then." Brendan grinned.

Ste stopped and twirled around. "You serious?" He looked at the choppy water and back to Brendan. "I meant one day, not now! Think I'll pass. Not the greatest swimmer ever, me."

"I'd rescue you."

Ste looked at Brendan closely. Brendan had saved him from murderers and bullets before; Ste knew Brendan would always make sure he was there to protect him, to risk his life for Ste's. "I didn't know you could swim."

"I don't do it often." Brendan said, "But I'm probably a stronger swimmer than you."

"Oh really?" Ste raised an eyebrow before grabbing Brendan's arm and pushing him towards the water. Brendan did a double take and moved into Ste and away from the edge of the walkway. Ste laughed and kept hold of Brendan's arm.

They walked for a little longer before Ste asked, "You like this place don't you?" He'd noticed how content and relaxed Brendan seemed here.

"You mean Dublin?"

Ste nodded.

"Yeah, I love it here."

"Any particular reason?" Ste asked.

Brendan looked down at him and away again. "It's always been a place I can get away. With having the apartment, I could come and stay here whenever I needed a chance to breath."

"You mean to get away from Eileen?" Ste asked in confusion.

"Sometimes from Eileen," Brendan smiled. "And sometimes from work and responsibility. And other times…" Brendan trailed off, looking distant.

"And other times?" Ste repeated.

"Sometimes from my family too."

Ste knew that Brendan's dad used to beat him up, so he wasn't surprised. "I don't blame you." Ste said. "I got away from my mum and Terry as fast as I could didn't I?"

Brendan took hold of Ste's wrist and pulled him down to sit beside him on the edge of the walkway, a small distance between them. "Yeah, and I'm glad you did."

"So you came here to get away from your dad?"

He watched Brendan's eyes glaze. "Yeah."

"I'm glad you got away from him too." Ste could see the vulnerability in Brendan once again. It was odd to see him look so open and yet so closed off at the same time.

"I didn't get away soon enough." Brendan said, voice so quiet Ste nearly missed it. "And I never got away from him, not truly."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I hurt you didn't I? I didn't become a better man than him, so I never really got away. You're stronger than me, Steven, you got away and you did become a better man."

"You are a better man." Ste insisted. "You've changed so much and I know you wouldn't hurt me again."

Brendan frowned. Ste didn't miss the tremor in his voice, almost lost in the wind. "How do you know that?"

"Because I believe in you Brendan, and I trust you. You just need to believe in yourself, and let go of whatever bad memories you have of your dad. Don't you want to just be free of it all?"

"It's not that easy." Brendan said. "You think I don't want that, Steven?"

"Well what's stopping you then? You have me, and you'll have the kids and Cheryl. Your dad is nowhere near us. You can let it all go if you want to, and if you ever want to talk about it, you can, to me. It's easier to let go of stuff when you talk about it."

Brendan's lips quirked in a smile and he leant over to kiss Ste. "I'm hungry." He said, "Let's head back and get some lunch."

Ste took the kiss as an agreement to what he'd said, and then his own stomach rumbled in agreement to Brendan's words. "Ok." He grinned, allowing Brendan to pull him to his feet.

x-H.O-x

"Oi!" Brendan grabbed Ste's arm and pulled him back out of the way of the oncoming car. "Stop being so excitable!"

Dublin was busy and Ste had been nothing but trouble to keep control of all the way back into the city centre. He was like a tourist and a child combined, tugging Brendan along every which way to anything that piqued his interest, which was pretty much everything. But when the bar that Brendan had chosen for lunch and a Guinness had come into sight, Ste had started straight for it, ignorant of the road between them and their destination.

"Geez it's like taking care of a child." Brendan admonished teasingly. "Do I need to hold your hand Steven, to get you safely across the road?"

Ste's eyes lit up at the idea and his hand quickly slipped into Brendan's. Brendan held onto it tightly as he watched the traffic, and then pulled Ste along with him when the way was clear.

They held hands until they were seated at a table outside the bar, and Ste was still grinning the entire time until the Guinness was placed in front of him.

He immediately took a gulp and then his face scrunched up adorably, nose wrinkling.

Brendan snorted in amusement. "Not to your taste?"

"Blergh." Ste said, sticking his tongue out.

But the pint was nearly half gone by the time Brendan had ordered their food at the bar.

"I like Guinness." Ste said, "I like Dublin."

"I can see that."

"I wouldn't like them as much if you weren't here though." Ste said earnestly. "I like being here with you, most."

Brendan's heart did a tiny little flip, and he suddenly realised what else they were going to do that day before they left Dublin to return to Hollyoaks.

x-H.O-x

"Remember this?" Brendan asked, as he led Ste onto Ha'penny Bridge. It was dark, and the bridge was lit up as it had been the night before.

Ste nodded, squeezing Brendan's fingers in his own. "Ha'penny."

Brendan led Ste to the middle of the bridge. "And you know about the Ha'penny tradition right?"

Ste looked up at the padlocks hanging from the beams above them. "The padlocks?"

"Yeah, well, I thought…seen as though we were here…" Brendan lowered his eyes, feeling more than a tiny bit embarrassed. He pulled a padlock out of his pocket and handed it to Ste.

Ste dropped Brendan's hand in order to take the padlock from him with both of his, and turned the padlock round in his fingers. "Ste and Brendan." He read the words on the side of it, and then looked back at Brendan. He looked happier than Brendan had ever, ever seen him. "We can put this on the bridge?!"

"If you want to." Brendan said.

Ste nodded frantically and rushed to the railing at the side of the bridge, finding a spot and then looking back at Brendan as he clicked it into place. He brought the key back to Brendan. "What do you want to do with the key? Keep it?"

Brendan smiled down at him, unable to hide his fondness. Any poker-face he used to possess seemed to be well and truly lost for Steven now. "Well what do you want to do? You said it last night."

"Throw it in the river." Ste remembered. "So it'd be there forever."

"So…" Brendan motioned to the river.

"Really?" Ste asked, he held out the key to Brendan. "You want to do it?"

Brendan shook his head, "You do it."

Brendan knew that his heart would always belong to Steven, and although Ste had followed him to Dublin and left his husband for him, Brendan selfishly just wanted one more piece of evidence that he was really this loved. That Ste loved him that much.

Ste reached over the edge of the bridge, the key clasped in his hands. He kissed his hands and then dropped the key down into the depths of the Liffey.

Brendan then found himself with an armful of Steven Hay, and Ste's lips against his own. "Thank you." Ste said.

"No," Brendan whispered in return, "Thank you. Thank you so much."

He wanted to thank Ste for trusting him, for believing in him, for coming after him and for loving him despite everything. He wanted to thank Ste for being the best thing that had ever happened to him. But he couldn't find the words, so he tried to show it in his next kiss instead.

x-H.O-x

"I didn't have you down as a nervous traveller, Steven." Brendan said as they stood up to board the plane.

"I'm not too bad. I just thought I'd warn you before I clutched onto your hand the entire way back."

"Well I'd be offended if you didn't do that anyway." Brendan joked, fishing his phone out of his pocket when he felt it vibrate.

It was a text from Cheryl: _CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU BREN, GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU! XXX_

"Who's that from?" Ste asked.

"Chez." Brendan replied. "She has a surprise for me, apparently. Somehow I doubt it will be a bigger surprise than us two returning together."

"She's going to be so pleased we are back together, you know that right?"

"She'll probably take some of the credit for 'pushing us back together'." Brendan grinned.

x-H.O-x

When they were seated on the plane; Ste snuggled into Brendan's side and his fingers already threaded with Brendan's, Ste said "I can't believe we are going to get to spend Christmas together!"

Brendan couldn't believe it either, and he was determined to make it the best Christmas ever, no matter what.

x-H.O-x

"I told him I had a surprise for him!" Cheryl said, putting down her phone. "Oh he's going to be so pleased to see you Da, I know he will."

Seamus Brady knew that his son wouldn't be pleased at all, but smiled for his daughter's benefit. "Of course he will sweetheart, of course he will."

* * *

**So that's all guys!  
Thank you very much for reading this story. I hope you enjoyed my version of Dublin :P  
****If you did enjoy this fic, please take a moment to review, I appreciate each and every one. Thank you!  
mnm37 x**


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